gay, straight, bi, _____?

First – start with this. Otherwise this blog won’t make sense. Got it? Good.

Here’s an excerpt from the link above that really stood out to me:

And that knowledge is not something I was born with. It’s not even something I realized late in life, with the shock of a revelation, rearranging everything I knew about myself into an order that finally made sense. I know that’s how it happens for a lot of people, but it wasn’t that way for me. I dated men; I was happy dating men; I knew I was also attracted to women, but acting on that attraction was something I figured I could take or leave. My pronounced preference developed over time, as a result of experiences I had and choices I consciously made. If any one of a thousand things in my life had gone differently, I could be engaged to a man today.

If you’ve been around me lately, you know I cannot stop talking about this article! (More importantly, I psychotically Facebook stalked the writer because she’s from Denver. Poor thing. If she ever stumbles upon this…my apologies, I just loved it!)

I have had a lot of trouble articulating just exactly “who I am” as of late. I have always just been a straight girl living in a straight world. Until I met Exhibit A, I never really questioned that.

When my now ex-fiance was in town, we had a talk about sexuality before we broke up. I said I never considered myself to be straight, rather, I was attracted to people for who they were. He freaked out, and we went on our “break” the next day. (This had nothing to do with our breakup, let me clarify.)  A couple months later, Exhibit A, my dear friend Willow Smith (a man, he just whips his hair, okay?) and I were at a candy shop also discussing sexuality. Willow Smith hilariously asked how lesbians have sex by pounding his fists together and saying “it doesn’t make sense. I just don’t get it.” Then Exhibit A told me she would never date a bisexual girl again, because they always break her heart the most. I then (according to her) went on the defense of the bisexual girl. I said it wasn’t fair to categorize all bisexual girls into this “crazy” category she was putting them in. She said it shouldn’t be possible to be attracted to both sexes, and she was angry that girls that claimed to be bisexual (in her experience) always went back to men. I told her it wasn’t fair to put everyone in a box (hehe) and that maybe some people are truly attracted to both sexes because of their upstairs, not their downstairs. I then remember getting severely flustered and needing to walk away before Exhibit A figured me out. Willow Smith went and got an ice cream cone. That was that.

I’ve always been attracted to personalities, and especially in defending them. I was in a relationship for six years that left me doing a lot of defending for his bad attitude and lack of interest in meeting new people. Toward the end, I was fed up and decided not to settle. I have since decided that defending one’s personality = settling, and I’m done with that. The other thing I’ve decided is that I’m going to let myself be what I am – and for me right now, that’s a girl who is attracted to another girl for her personality and her absolutely beautiful soul, heart, and let’s be honest, physical self. I don’t quite know what category that leaves me in.

I don’t mind being called gay, nor do I mind being put in the straight category. There is something about the “bisexual” thing that leaves me feeling a little icky. This is of no offense to those who are, but when I hear bisexual I think slutty college sophomore. Sorry. I don’t think many people take the label seriously. And for once, this is something I want to be taken seriously on. I am a woman who has loved two men before and is currently in love with a woman. So – call me gay, call me straight, call me bisexual, call me a purple giraffe…whatever. I know that my choice is to love who I choose to love, so don’t put me in a box.

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One thought on “gay, straight, bi, _____?

  1. Pingback: miss halfway

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