describing words

loveI am in love. Totally, majorly, epically, embarrassingly, head over heels in love.

To some, this may not be a big deal.

To me, it is huge.

344 days ago, I broke off my engagement. This makes me think of many words, like

  • frightening
  • great (marriage isn’t for everyone so it should be for no one! Solidarity, etc.!)
  • daring
  • comforting
  • mean
  • hateful
  • strengthening
  • disheartening
  • proof

Proof is my favorite. Proof that I can get what I want. Proof that if you’re unhappy, you can change it. Proof that you are in charge of your own destiny.

I broke off my engagement one year ago and was on top of the world. Not literally – I was getting very sick, drinking a lot more than I should have been, crying out all of my fluids and doing it all over again. For weeks. But it was the first time in six years that I had made a decision completely on my own (and not in an act of defiance.) I knew it didn’t feel right, and I spoke up about it.

Fuck.

That was only a year ago?

What got me to where I am today? Laying in my girlfriend’s bed dogsitting while she’s with her (supremely awesome) mom in Boulder?

Let’s see. I swore off all human contact and began running like I had never used my legs before. I drank myself into a stupor. I watched a ton of Dorm Life and ruined two pillows from crying into them. Then, I met Before Exhibit A. He made me forget for a while. I just had someone to spill out my thoughts to, and in turn I had someone to listen to who was legitimately smart, interesting, hilarious, and attractive. I was mad at myself, though. He was great, sure, but I fell in love with the idea of this person who was all of the things that I lacked in my previous relationship. He was nice, but he wasn’t right.

I moved to Denver and knew within 24 hours that I was so many things. I was

  • happy
  • strong
  • independent
  • angry (I was broke, things had ended with Before Exhibit A on a weird note, and did I mention I was broke?)
  • anxious
  • absolutely smitten
  • terrified

Terrified is a great way to describe the month of August for me. Have you ever fallen in love?

Do you remember that. exact. moment?

The one that you recall the weirdest details about?

My feet were up on a table. Exhibit A was wearing a blue t-shirt. The sun was setting. We were drinking …an ale with a blue label. We had been dating two weeks. And I was so in love.

HolyshitIwassoscared.

I can now say a mere seven months later that not a single thing has changed. I don’t know whether that should be one of the two words from above:

  • terrifying
  • proof

Maybe it’s both.

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One thought on “describing words

  1. Really like this post. I remember when I fell in love and then I remember ending it too and i was wearing the same dress it was weird. I love your blog 🙂 Keep smiling E x

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