what i do when you’re gone

Day One: It’s not so bad, Day One. I didn’t get to say goodbye to you the way I would have liked to; we had people over and you were rushed, I understand, but oh well. Luckily, it was Pride here, so I got to enjoy that. We started drinking at eight in the morning, we went to the parade, we ate lunch, and we went to the events. I saw two sets of boobs, which was awesome. Sadly, everyone got tired. Not used to high altitude drinking, methinks. I texted you and said it was a bust, that I missed you, that my heart hurt. You said “Mine too. I love you.” I think you lost service, then. I went to sleep without hearing your voice for the first time in months. That hurt.

snoozeDay Two: Day two was all right. I entertained our guests, we drove around Denver, and it was all lovely. We went to get pancakes at our favorite breakfast place. I got the peanut butter and chocolate one…it rocked. I also had one with pecans, because I don’t eat them around you. I know your allergies aren’t going to like, explode all over the table, but that’s fine, I just do it to be polite. We drove around, and at one point I said something about how smart you were. Your dear best friend asked “So, do you like her? I couldn’t tell.” I smiled. I took our pals to the airport, then I came home and cleaned. You weren’t kidding when you said that vacuum attachment was awesome – I ran a train on the couch. I had a glass of white wine (friends purchase, not mine, you know I’m a Malbec lady) and made dinner for one, came up with this idea to write what I did while you were gone, then drank two beers and dove into United States of Tara. You were right; I should have watched sooner. Even though it’s really really hot here, I still wish your body was next to mine tonight.

Day Three: We got to talk today! That was super exciting for me. The thing about you leaving is that I’m staying, so nothing changes for me here. I’m so glad you’re having a fun trip. It makes my heart happy that you think of me throughout the day. I’ve had two beers and am about to open a third. I have also eaten five of your Milk Duds. Sorry. They were in the fridge and too cold to resist; it’s on day one million of being so damn hot. I could have used your advice today with work stuff, but that’s all right. I’m going to run tomorrow morning, I promise. I know you would have gone to the gym with our neighbor and totally kicked ass, so I’m going to do it for that reason – you’re also kicking ass on this road trip, I’m sure. I hope you’re staying hydrated. I’m halfway through this whole “you’re not here” stuff tonight…hoping it will suck less. When did I become this person?

Day Four: When it rains, it pours! I have two interviews next week! I told you while you were on roaming tonight in Southern Colorado on your epic trip home. I’m so glad I got to tell you in person. I also got a job offer (which I probably won’t take; not having a car totally sucks) which was awesome! I also think that Cute Dog Park Lesbian has a crush on me, not you. I hate telling you that, but it’s true. Someone asked her if she was free, and she said “Yeah. No, wait,” and then loudly said “I love dates. Lots of dates. Lunch dates and dinner dates!” Homegirl, I get it. Then I asked our neighbor and he agreed, and then she walked by the house staring. Just saying. I’m going to see Mickey Avalon for free tonight at the venue close to our house. I am super excited, but puppy is not. Basically, the dog misses you. We are going to be able to snuggle tonight because it’s finally cool enough. Oh! I also got you a birthday surprise. I cannot freaking wait for you to get home so I can give it to you.

Day Five: I just kept thinking to myself that it’s almost over. I did all of the laundry in the house in the morning and worked late. Of course, my luck – when I was at work by myself at night, I got a missed call from my ex. He left a really stupid message that reminded me A – why I love you so much and B – why I’ll never date men again. I was happy to get to talk to you tonight! Even when you got distracted by the local news, I still knew it was you I was happy with. It’s so funny, you running into your ex and me getting a call from mine…it’s little reminders of why I’m so damn lucky. Every single day.

Day Six: You’re home in about five hours. I could just die. I’m ready for things to be regular again – I don’t like feeling like I’ve lost a part of me. It’s not a part that I need to function, it’s just a part of me. Like losing my ring fingers, or my right ear. It’s a part that makes me feel normal; balanced, even. I just don’t like going without it. I’ve never felt this way about someone before, so that’s a plus and also a huge glaring red light. At what point did I fully let myself go and allow you to have my whole heart? That’s what’s been missing this week. The gaping spot in my chest is so excited to be filled with your smile, laugh, and absolute ridiculousness that is our love. See you soon.


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