i make myself the ugliest girl in the room

Okay. I’m going to admit something really gross. It’s kind of disgusting. Kind of terrible. Kind of self-destructive. It’s in fact not “kind of” any of those things…it is definitely all of them.

I have jealousy issues.

This is odd for me! I have not been the jealous type before. My ex cheated on me once and blamed the other person; blamed alcohol; blamed his friends for not being there…I was upset, sure, but I just let it roll off me and only used it against him when I wanted to prove a point.

This new feeling, this gut-wrenching, soul-rotting heartache…this is jealousy. And I want to talk about what I’ve learned from it all:

I am completely doing it to myself. I am making myself the ugliest girl in the room.

You see, I have learned that no matter WHAT, jealousy is an internal emotion that can never be exerted in a healthy way. It can be completely warranted, it can be so palpable that you feel physically ill…whatever. It doesn’t matter. There will always be a way that issues can be dealt with that doesn’t have to do with becoming jealous.

When one hears the term “jealous,” they probably foster a lot of feelings with it that have been made relevant in personal experience. I always put it in the box with other terms like “hateful,” “angry,” and “pointless,” because at the end of the day, what does jealousy get someone?

Then it happened to me. And everything changed.

I won’t (and don’t need to) delve into details to make my very basic point known — I have issues with someone in Exhibit A’s life that stem from a past knowledge of their relationship together. This relationship has sprouted little seeds of hate, anger, and pointlessness that finally grew into a completely out of control weed garden. And today, after days of not sleeping, scratching myself into a hive-filled mess, and bursting into tears randomly while doing average tasks, I decided that stomping on the weeds wasn’t going to solve them – getting in and digging them out would.

What are my issues with this person, and therefore what are my issues with myself?

  1. She has her shit together, and therefore shouldn’t complain
    Okay, so, let’s focus on that. How in the world is that her fault? Just because one person has things figured out, like a job and a home, doesn’t mean that their problems are any less problems. I can be bummed out about questioning how I’ll pay rent, but I’m still better off than a child in a third world country. I’m also worse off than Brandi Carlile, but that’s okay. So what? There’s always room for improvement and there’s always a rock bottom that I’m not at, so life goes on and it shouldn’t involve others in a destructive, comparative way.
  2. She is very touchy-feely, and since she’s gorgeous, it’s gonna work one of these days
    Hey. Self. Guess what? If Exhibit A wanted to be with her, she would be with her. But, but! — she isn’t. Funny, huh? She chose you. So start acting like the pretty, smart, strong person she fell in love with. Cause it’s not attractive to walk around the room with a grimace and arms folded every time The Other Girl is there. Because one day, she will become more attractive than you if you keep it up.
  3. She acted poorly one time and got away with it
    So what? I am known for having once-a-year-woah-girl-you-drank-way-too-much-and-need-to-get-your-life-together moments. Everyone has demons to battle. That has nothing to do with ourselves. So I need to most likely remember that, and I’ll keep my head clear out of my ass.

I am working on it, y’all. Jealousy is bound to rear its ugly head when it comes to relationships, especially ones that involve real, true, deep love. It’s bound to happen from both parties involved. It all matters that it’s A – dealt with, both with your partner and internally and B – laid out on the table. Is it a problem that’s greater than “jealousy,” as in does it need to be dealt with by your partner because its something they’re doing wrong? Or is it completely on your end? Really think about it.

And hopefully, if you can get through the wah-wah pants feeling that it brings, you can come up on the other side and stay afloat. And keep having the beautiful, nerdy, “is that something in your teeth?” love that you have. I know I can.

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2 thoughts on “i make myself the ugliest girl in the room

  1. Hey! I found your blog through Thought Catalog and could very much relate to what you wrote about “making the switch” and finally identifying as lesbian. Anyhow, loved this post about jealousy. I never struggled with it when I dated guys, but it has definitely flared up with women. So nice to know I’m not alone. Good luck working through it!

    • Well you are just the sweetest 🙂 Thanks for finding me! I’m working through it the best I can…it’s definitely better than when I first wrote this 🙂

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