and she shines

I have a friend who cries because of how she wakes up and feels every day. And she shines as bright as the sun.

Let me backtrack.

This friend, when I met her, my gaydar went off. I know, it’s becoming less and less PC to say that fellow homos have gaydar, but I mean…I see it as perfectly natural to want to find fellow community and commonalities within a minority group. So. My gaydar is blinking and I introduce myself and by this time it’s like she’s wearing a siren above her head and horns are honking out and a marquee above her head is saying “OH HELLO YES I AM ALSO GAY.” But she doesn’t really see that in herself yet. I do.

A few short weeks later, she tells me she thinks she might be gay. I tell her I could tell because duh, who even wears a track jacket other than my faves from The L Word: Denver?! (The cast is made up of my friends in my head, so.) And we spend time together and chat and she becomes one of my closest friends.

And then I see her. I really truly see her when she is open, when she is vulnerable. I see her when she talks about her spirit within, nearly boiling over with passion to work in a field that tells her it’s fine for her to be who she is, but only to a certain point. She can enter the building, but she surely cannot pastor to the people. She can sit with other congregants, but she is somehow more of a sinner than they because her biological makeup and her heart’s truth does not coincide with the supposed words of Jesus, the person who these people state they worship, who said nothing on the matter. I see her tears and I see her frustration, and then I see her, seemingly every time she is knocked down — I see her get back up like when we were kids pretending to be ninjas on trampolines, she chucks her ankles up and leaps like it’s easy — I see her get up and do something incredibly courageous, like come out to yet another family member or decide to push forward in ordination or change her Facebook status to “in a relationship” or speak her queer truth to a room of people she barely knows…I see her. And she shines.

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