Ask A Lesbian: 3

Originally posted on Thought Catalog August 24, 2012

Disclaimer: This is an article written in a satirical manner, meant to entertain only. The opinions and views expressed are only that of the author — nobody else. The author is in no way an expert, nor is she speaking for the entire LGTBQ community. If you have serious questions, including but not limited to gender heteronormativity, sexuality in general, or ways to assist in the LGBTQ community, please research organizations that are meant to answer those questions. If you have a story or experience that is different, please share in the comments below! Thank you!

How can I navigate dating people who have issues with me being bisexual?

I hear about this all the time in the queer world, and am a former person who had to deal with it. You see, when I first started dating my girlfriend, I wasn’t sure quite where I fit on the spectrum. She told me that she vowed to never date a bisexual woman ever again, because for her it usually ended in heartbreak, with the woman going to men again. (Let me just say that I don’t get it, because I think she’s pretty close to perfect… but I digress). For a few reasons, I was put off by that. One: Why would I enter a relationship with her in hopes that I’d cheat… with a man? I didn’t even identify as bisexual at the time, I had just come off of only dating men and having secret crushes on women. Two: In what world does being with both men and women mean that 100% of the population is there for me?

That’s the part that I think people fear about bisexuals. They believe bisexuals think that the entire world is their oyster, because if it’s a man or a woman, they MUST be attracted to them. Guess what, y’all? Just because someone is bisexual doesn’t mean that they’re attracted to every single person they see. Just like you might not be into blondes or really tall people, bisexuals have preferences as well. As I stated in my last post, my bisexual friend only dates men who are taller and more muscular; while she likes her women to be smaller and more delicate. It truly does matter tastewise.

If you are about to enter a relationship with someone exclusively but they put up a woah-woah-woah-Miss-Lippy attitude about it because of your bisexuality, rethink that entire thing. If they are truly feeling like they can’t date you because you are a bisexual, ask them where that insecurity comes from. Maybe they’re like my girlfriend and they have a bad past. Maybe they’re straight and are weirded out that you can be with the opposite sex. Either way, make sure that this person is even worth your time. And if they are, work through those issues with them and show them the side of most bisexual people: normal, loving humans who enter a relationship for the same reason anyone does… because they want to be there.

In a lesbian relationship, who gets who off first?

Though I don’t mean to kill everyone’s dreams from watching a South Parkepisode and in turn deciding y’all know everything there is to know about lesbians, scissoring is a rarity and just not that common. Sorry. It’s difficult. Think about it, really. And though mutually getting off is ideal, that doesn’t really happen too often in heterosexual relationships either (just saying from my experience and the experience of people I know… admit it, you’ve faked it or at least just let it go). So! Who decides?

I believe that it truly depends on the relationship and the situation. I’ve found for myself and my relationship, it depends on how things are going down. It can depend on how you get off, as well. If you’re not able to get off without knowing that they will first, that could be a thing. Or maybe you aren’t as turned on until you get to have your way with them. Either way, it truly depends on a lot of factors beforehand. It’s not usually a “drop your pants, let’s do this!” type of thing, especially your first few times with a new partner. A lot of communication goes into sex because when it comes down to it, all women are different and like to do different things. Sometimes toys are involved. Sometimes they don’t want you to touch them in a certain place. Sometimes they want their arms tied up. No matter how they want it, it’s important to communicate, communicate, communicate! You’re not going to know what feels good or how they want things to go if you don’t ask. For some couples, it can become routine. For me, not a freaking chance. Again, communication is the determining factor for me and for those I’ve asked about this, and of course the mood when you enter the bedroom (or whatever room you get freaky in).

At what point did you stop fearing rejection and/or unacceptance — or at least, what gave you the courage to go forward knowing that you would experience it for the rest of your life?

This question is hard. And I have to say, I referred pretty hard to an article posted recently on TC, because I am basically obsessed with it. It is so important to know when coming out to your parents, and therefore coming out to the world, that when you identify as queer, so do your parents and loved ones. When asked about by other people, i.e. “Oh, how has Alison been? Have you talked to her lately, orrr…” it might be met with many responses. In the case of my mother at a grocery store, it may be met with tears in the bread and baked goods aisle. In the case of my sister, it will most certainly be met with “Oh, she’s a lesbian now, and gay marriage should be legal, dontcha think?” (Read that last one with a Fargo-esque accent for emphasis, please). In the case of my friends, they’ll say “She’s good. Her girlfriend is fantastic, she’s starting grad school soon, and she seems a lot happier than she was before.” Coming out is not just a singular process, though it might seem that way at times. Everyone goes through it with you, and the closer in proximity, the more difficult it may be.

At first, I was terrified. Sparing the details, my mother did not take the news well. She’s still working through it a year later, but she’s made leaps and bounds and realized that I’m still her daughter at the end of the day. As for everyone else, the point where I stopped being afraid was when the rejection and unacceptance hit me square in the face.

I went home for Christmas and grabbed a beer with a pal at a local bar. When we were walking out, I saw a person that I not only went to high school and college with, but that I lived with my last year in school. I waved, but was a little nervous. He was a bit harsh of a human, and his sister and I had a falling out because she wasn’t too nice when I came out. I saw him, gave him a hug, and asked how he was. He said “Fine. Nice shoes, you a dyke now?”

That was my turning point. I had to decide…do I cry? Do I hit him? Do I ignore him? I took a deep breath, said “Yup, seems that would be the case.” He didn’t see it coming, fumbled over his words, and we parted ways. Upon walking toward the entrance, he yelled out, “See ya later, fuckin’ lesbian!” That stopped me in my tracks. Here was someone I thought I was friends with, someone who would have had my back just a few years before, outing me when it wasn’t his place to do so in a very public place. That was when I knew that coming out was a conscious decision that I made, and I needed to take the good with the bad. Not everything is roses and sugar, sugar. It’s gonna be hard sometimes. But, after walking out with my friends threatening to walk back and kick his ass and me telling them it’s time to just take the high road, I haven’t looked back. And though I know it’s going to be hard, I can deal with those things knowing that for the first time in my life, I am so comfortable in my own skin and happy with who I am, and nothing’s going to take that away from me.

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